the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
