I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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