Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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