no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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