I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
