does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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