I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
