I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
