I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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