You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
