When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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