you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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