There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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