dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Randomize
