i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
