I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
