and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
