probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
