Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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