i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
