i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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