You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
