My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
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