Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
