Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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