I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
