They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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