News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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