I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize