My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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