i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
