no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
