I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
