Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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