just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
