Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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