Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
