I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
