I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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