when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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