Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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