Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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