dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
