tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
