Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
God, I missed his penis.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
