Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
