Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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