apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
