before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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