when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
