dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Green mimosas i think yes
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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