i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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