Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
