cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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