Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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