I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
